Random Dream Fragments

Does Anyone Even Read This Anymore?

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 05:37:39 GMT

Wow... I can't even believe I actually remembered the password for this. I know I haven't checked in forever... blah blah blah. Things have been going... Quick update? (I'll try to do this order.)

*Dated my ex boyfriend's roommate *Had a lot of friends turn on me *Started the spring semester alone *Got dumped *Spent lots of time with the sorority sisters *Writing internship *Turned 21 *Slowly patched things up with friends *Befriended ex again SUMMER *Worked at Dunkin Donuts *Volunteered in a psych ward with kids *Attended two weddings (one I was a bridesmaid) *my only trip was to NY to visit a very special person *Seriously my summer was boring *Night motorcycle rides FALL *Started my last year at college *Spent LOTS of time on sorority stuff *Trying to balance sorority and friends *Trying to enjoy my last year *Planning on going to grad school... haven't look at many places (NY, MA, or CT in that order) *Moving on from past relationships (doesn't look like I'll have one any time soon) *Working at the Writing Center *Getting off to a rocky start with classes but getting better

Pretty much it. Exciting huh? This is why I don't write much here...

Help

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 13:32:54 GMT

Can you think of any way to really care about someone (more than friends), date for a few days, and then be okay with going back to just being friends? Too much has changed. I feel like it's my fault... that I messed up again. We can't be around each other and just see "friends." Too awkward and emotionally stressful. Am I wrong in thinking that? A relationship can ruin a friendship... and I keep losing friends.

Looking up instead of down...

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 22:13:02 GMT

First and foremost,
Happy birthday to the love of my life and best friend, Darioness! No longer a teenager! I miss you like crazy!

Second,
I'm coming to terms with what I had at the end of the summer... it was emotionally abusive. He made me feel like shit, but that I needed him. It scared me that I wanted to go back to him and put up with him putting me down. Then saying he cared about me... wanted to spend his life with me. I was an idiot for believing him for so long. Slowly, very slowly things are getting better. Counseling is helping me realize how bad it was. So are friends. I may have cared about him more than anyone else, but then after talking to Dario. I love Dario. He's my best friend and has never hurt me. If I can love someone more than how I felt about the guy from over the summer... I don't need to deal with the shit he put me through.

Third,
I'm dating someone new. It's going really slow, but it's what we both want and need. The thing with guy from over the summer was over a long time ago. It's time to move on. My sweetie makes me happy, holds me when I'm sad, and tries everything in his power to make me feel better. It's a little soon, but I think we can make it work.

Fourth,
I really want pancakes.

Two Weeks In...

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 15:34:35 GMT

Sitting in the library Friday morning since I don't have classes since the workload is threatening to kick my ass if I don't get it done. I have so much shit to do, and emotionally I don't know how much more I can take. This week has been a lot of ups and downs. I'm tired of being told something...
"I care about you and want to spend my life with you. We can work things out."
"We're just friends."
and witnessing actions that completely contradict everything they just said.
Silence. Nothing. No communication. I'm tired of being the only one trying to make this damn thing work. If you give two shits about me, at least say hello.
Affection pushing beyond friends.
Can someone just please give me a damn straight answer about what the fuck is going on? I'm miserable and drowning myself in work and writing. I need sanity... something that makes sense. Please somebody...

Pushing the Limit

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 18:02:44 GMT

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle when it comes to relationships. Maybe I'm too imperfect for this world... Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy in relationships. I love my friends to death, who have talked me through shit. I just really don't know what to do... I guess I can do what I have been doing the past few semesters and just throw myself into my schoolwork and get some interesting angsty writing out of it. I don't know how much more of this I can take...

P.S. I have issues with my coffee...

Dying Days of Summer

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 03:10:43 GMT

So in a week, I will be back in Florida to start another semester. Four down and hopefully only four more to go. It seems like this summer though is ending like the last one. A guy who I started to care about gets distant and pretty much stops talking to me. Lovely... Summer flings... I wished they weren't, but I guess it gets to that point where you know we're going different ways. Seriously. 1000 miles apart. I really hate this. Relationships suck and bring nothing but grief and heartache. I miss my friends at school, and I think I'm ready to get away. Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming back home each break... is there really anything left up here for me?

Caffeine and Talk of Ungodly Hours

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 02:13:00 GMT

Chelle: I had some soda and now I'm kinda hyper
Jeff: rofl
Chelle: OMG I'm wearing socks!
Jeff: me to!
Chelle: But I never wear socks!
Chelle: I started talking to this guy in my class, and he plays WoW
Chelle: *amused*
Chelle: Socks!
Jeff: your crazy.
Jeff: you still playin ff11?
Jeff: my copy still hasnt arrived yet. i am very pissed
Chelle: Yes mommy
Chelle: Aww
Jeff: ROFL
Chelle: I am level 12
Jeff: you are wired
Chelle: I have my second job skill thingy
Chelle: Thunder Thrust...
Chelle: O.o
Chelle: Thrust should not be used in a move...
Jeff: why not?
Jeff: hahha all you get are thrusts as a dragoon
Jeff: :P
Chelle: OMG I don't know standard I am going to die Saturday!
Jeff: what are you talking about?
Chelle: Umm for riding a motorcycle?
Jeff: can you ride a bicycle?
Chelle: Yes, but the gears are standard
Jeff: haha do they make automatic motorcycles?
Jeff: ive never heard of oen
Chelle: *cries*
Chelle: I'm the only one in my class who doesn't know standard
Jeff: you better learn haha
Jeff: you ridin a harley rofl
Jeff: or a yamaha
Chelle: *sighs*
Chelle: You're mean!
Jeff: what the hell did i do?
Chelle: *cries more* My mom keeps talking about a foreign concept... 7 am
Jeff: 7am is tuff
Jeff: i almsot died getting up at 10am yesterday
Chelle: And now she is talking about how I AM going with her
Jeff: where?
Chelle: To run errands
Chelle: Purple nail polish on black equals blue
Jeff: no...
Chelle: It does!
Jeff: black + purple = black.
Chelle: Not according to my nail polish
Jeff: test it out
Chelle: I already did
Chelle: It turned blue
Jeff: its magic color changing nail polish
Chelle: Jeff, who the fuck goes blueberry picking at 8 am?
Jeff: HAHHA
Jeff: are you going blueberry picking HAHAHa
Jeff: hmm affluents?
Jeff: that like blueberries?
Jeff: alot...
Chelle: The blueberries are actually really good right now
Chelle: You should go blueberry picking
Jeff: haha
Jeff: ive done it
Jeff: just not at 8am
Jeff: im going to sleep at 8am rofl
Chelle: You suck!
Chelle: You and every other person that will be sleeping still SUCK!
Jeff: rofl....
Chelle: *pouts in a corner*
Jeff: just dont go
Jeff: rofl
Chelle: But I was supposed to go the other day, and she was all excited about it. Then I slept over a friend's house and made her sad...
Chelle: She's guilting me!
Jeff: what are you doing with them? making pies?
Chelle: I don't know...
Jeff: cupcakes?
Chelle: We're picking them....
Chelle: And eating them...
Chelle: In some form...
Jeff: u ahve a farm?
Chelle: No...
Jeff: a forest?
Chelle: We're driving to a blueberry picking place to pick blueberries... AT 8 FUCKING AM
Jeff: rofl wait wait
Jeff: wait a second
Chelle: *waits*
Chelle: *waits a bit more*
Chelle: *seconds tick by*
Jeff: do you pay
Jeff: to pick blueberries?
Chelle: You pay for the amount of blueberries picked
Jeff: ROFL
Jeff: oh my...
Chelle: You said you did this before!
Jeff: i could see if you had like a farm or something, maybe a forest that had blueberry bushes
Jeff: i have but we sure as hell didnt pay for the pleasure of picking blueberries
Chelle: There used to be a blackberry bush past the field... I think it's gone now
Jeff: im sorry, its just really funny
Jeff: thats actually a business?
Chelle: *sighs*
Chelle: Actually yeah
Jeff: ROFL
Jeff: stop stop
Jeff: your killing me
Chelle: *stabs with a blueberry*
Chelle: Fine, you know what?
Jeff: lol what?
Chelle: Drive here and you can come too
Jeff: i dont think ill make it there by 8am
Jeff: and my cars being painted....
Jeff: so i dont ahve a car
Chelle: It's not that far!
Jeff: i could fly maybe
Chelle: You could so make it
Jeff: its like 10 hours
Chelle: 10 measly hours to come for tha fantabulous time of blueberry picking!

*Time to get a second opinion*

Chelle: Sean!
Sean: yo
Chelle: Jeff is making fun of the northeastern ways!
Chelle: And why does everyone say "yo"?
Sean: well make fun of wv
Sean: that shouldnt be hard to do
Sean: shorter than hey
Chelle: He thinks it's funny that people go blueberry picking
Sean: well wv has incest
Chelle: Anything else?
Sean: no but that should be another point
Sean: wv has nothing besides incest
Sean: what kind of state is that
Chelle: *laughs*
Sean: at least we have blueberries and blueberry-picking related activities
Chelle: Have you been blueberry picking before?
Sean: yes actually
Chelle: Yay!

Currently...

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 03:11:23 GMT

I am sitting around pantsless, wearing a pink sorority shirt, smelling like cigarette smoke, ears buzzing a little from my brother's band's show, getting ready to play video games all night at home with cheez-its and hershey's kisses.

Hmm...

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 21:44:36 GMT

Why do people keep reading my last entry and ask if I'm okay? I wrote it two weeks sgo. Nothing against them. I *heart* them for even take the time what the hell has been going on... Well here is an update.

1. Sean and I decided mutually that our relationship wasn't working... for the time of our lives that we were in and some incompatibilities that made long distance difficult. We are friends and have no hard feelings. Yes, I'm okay... just going through usual post-relationship sadness. Nothing major. Normal stuff. I mean it was five and a half months. So don't worry. I'm fine. However, I won't be going to Florida tomorrow for the visit. It would have been kind of awkward so soon.

2. Family life is semi-uneasy. I really wish I didn't go to school so far away sometimes, or else I would have an apartment or something outside my parents' fold. I got yelled at for always being out and not sleeping at home. It's not like they're awake or home to notice. I get stuff done... go out... but no, that's not good enough.

3. Mike (aka Maddick... I know too many) and I had a fun conversation earlier. We're both food enthusiasts and discussed various yummy foods. Now I'm craving a bacon cheeseburger, chili cheese fries (with REAL cheese), and a chocolate milkshake. As my friend Mike (another one) put it, foodgasm. That's all I want right now... a foodgasm. [When I get upset, I don't eat much, but now my appetite is coming back. The cure... a foodgasm. I just like using the word.]

4. I'm tempted to put up a profile on an online dating site just to see. Someone talk me out of it. Please?

Other than that... nothing else has been going on. I have my lessons coming up, and just trying to find stuff to do before school starts again. I want to go skinny dipping... never been... and it makes me sad.

I have no idea what's going on anymore or if I can spell...

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 01:16:38 GMT

Even when things don't seem so bad, they're still falling apart at the seams...

Insomnia

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 10:02:49 GMT

Due to sugar (in the form of M&Ms and Pepsi), I am pretty awake with insomnia kicking my ass. Not really tired, so I thought I would just put an entry in.

Why do thoughts from your weakest moments stay with you? Why do you search for something and let the things that fall short torment your thoughts?

Epiphany

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 15:38:21 GMT

Does anyone else get the feeling that you fucked something up in the past that it may have screwed you over for the rest of your life?

Month 1

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 18:49:50 GMT

Well being home is turning out to be not so bad. Since I am home more than anyone else (I do paperwork at home for Dad to make money), I get to play the role of mom: cook dinner each night, grocery shop, clean, keep tabs on everyone's whereabouts... In all honesty if anything, it's boring as hell. Actually, no, hell would be more interesting than this. I was so bored today that I willingly cleaned my room, targeting my desk and the random piece of furniture that attracts everyone else's stuff.

Among the things found:
both middle school and high school diplomas (including my cap from ECHS)
conversations with online and school friends (I was such an annoying loser... how could anyone stand me... how does anyone stand me now?)
old writing stuff (I wish to burn it or else I will be laughed at for the rest of my life)
prom pictures
senior pictures
random pictures (I have a shelf dedicated to albums and lots of developed pictures that never made it to album) along with big photos that won't actually fit on the shelf
notes from friends
ex boyfriend/friend's comic
CDs
a plate (it's pretty and a gift from my mom's friend)
dust... lots and lots of dust
enough paper to last the rest of my life
playbills from numerous plays and concerts
a small glass hummingbird from a friend

Such a packrat. But at least this means my room is clean for when Sean comes, and the hammock chair is going back up! Class ends tomorrow, and then I am working at the hospital. I need someone to drag me away from this work.

Life: Boring but Good

Wed, 24 May 2006 16:47:29 GMT

Well here I am back home. Things are better, more or less.

1. Family: Surpisingly, I'm getting along with my dad really well. We run errands together, ride his motorcycle, and stuffs. I'm working for him by doing paperwork (stuffing envelopes and putting stuff into the computer) which pays better than Dunkin Donuts. The only plus side of that was I got a regular paycheck and gave me something to do. My mom is well my mom. We butt heads a bit, but she's willing to pay me to clean the house and run errands for the family including grandparents in between classes. My brother will be graduating next month from high school and taking his placement test for college. He's getting there. Right now he thinks that he shouldn't have to work since it's his summer after graduation, and all his friends will be going off to college. (Side note: This is partially... well mostly crap. Most of his friends, including his girlfriend, are younger than him, so they won't be graduating. He'll be attending the community college in the town over where I'm taking summer courses now. I, also, bet that most of them when they do go to college will be local.) It's hard sharing the cars, especially since one is currently being fixed.

2. Pets: We're building a kitty kennel, so the cats can be protected but still go outside for some fresh air. The puppy is spoiled rotten and always wants to be around people since Duke is gone. My dad is thinking of getting a puppy.

3. Friends: I miss people down in FL like crazy, and I'm considering visiting a few. People around here... I don't talk to many people from high school. We kind of went our separate ways since I go to college so far away and can't go to all their random get togethers that take place. I wouldn't mind seeing a few people though.

4. Sean: Hehe yes, he gets his very own section. I doubt many people read these entries anyways... But anywho, it's official. He has plane tickets and will be visiting June 14-20. We're going to make plans, so I can visit in mid July and visit people in the Orlando area. I miss him so much. We still talk on the phone while playing video games, but it's not the same. Friday will be 4 months.

5. Classes: My health course was cancelled, so my music class ends June 2nd. I'm then done for the summer. Well except for the last weekend in July. I got into the motorcycle lessons course at MCC... SWEET! I have 2 1-page reaction papers to write, and that's it. The music awareness course is pretty easy so far. The girl next to me played with her cell phone for the last 1.5 hours of the class... very annoying.

So today consists of doing homework (hopefully early, so it's out of the way), baking cookies (to spite Sean for making fun of my sugar addiction), video games, and work for dad. If anyone who reads this wants to get together, let me know. It shall be a long, boring summer unless I find people to spend time with.

Back...

Mon, 15 May 2006 18:02:48 GMT

Maybe it's just me, but it gets harder and harder to come home. It's just not home, especially when you find out your cousin sleeps in your bed more than you do. That nothing is in the same spot anymore. You swear up and down you're getting an apartment next year and not dealing with this coming home shit. You spend the rest of your vacation trying to clean and reorganize your room the way you would like it only to have it changed again before Thanksgiving. Maybe I'm the only one who goes through with this... It sucks. Somehow I have 4.5 suitcases to unpack and reorganize, not to mention all the clothes my mom took out of my drawers and closet she wants me to go through, then there's this huge piece of furniture (bulky, useless, collecting dust and crap that's not mine) which we can't get rid of since my grandfather made it. Guess which room has enough empty space for it? Yeah... which means my hammock chair is useless because more stuff is there! I want to be back in FL. My mom blames it on the fact that I left my boyfriend of four months there... no... I know I'll see him soon. We go through this every single break... about my room. Oh, and I don't have a car, so I'm stuck at home. That's another repeated fight. I think I made my mom cry this time. BEING HOME SUCKS FUCKIN' ASS.

Sat, 13 May 2006 03:55:54 GMT

I think I am about ready to head home... I've been over at Sutton since classes ended. My parents went to the Keys and Epcot, giving me time to spend with friends. Graduation is Sunday, and I'll be gone Monday. *le sigh* I'm just exhausted. Granted last night was fun (and VERY interesting) I'll miss people hardcore, but I think I'm ready for the end... The finale of the semester. Grades are already coming out, and I'm just missing one grade, so far so good. Tired... and I miss my kitty.

I AM FINALLY DONE!

Wed, 10 May 2006 18:39:16 GMT

Finals and this semester are finally over! I have no idea how I did, but that's okay. Sophomore year is over. OVER! I'll still be on campus until Saturday since I'm staying to see everyone graduate. I'll be out of FL by next Monday. A week after that I start summer courses. Fuuun. Just a little upset with the car situation back home. Currently my family has 4 cars. Mind you they are not very good, and one is a piece of junk that barely runs (that one I guess doesn't really count). Of course, the parentals each need one (they work in opposite directions), and my brother goes to school, band practice, and work. Now, in most cases, I am stuck at home without a car with nothing to do. I'll need a way to get to classes, and opps I already made plans to see people. Need a car. End of story. My parents keep trying to convince me that it will work and be fine, yet every break it's the same shit and fighting about who gets the car for the day. Oh and by the way, the fourth car is SUPPOSED to be my brother's, cause you know it's cool that he buys crappy cars from friends' relatives.

Sorry. That's my mini rant of the month. On a happier note, Dario called me! The love of my life, and hopefully I can see him next week. It's been almost two frickin' years since we last saw each other. Too long. I need my Darioness fix so bad!

Hmm... I think I shall go take a shower... and search for food... or just say fuck it and play video games. Sounds like a plan... *wanders off*

Trying to Save My Sanity...

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 00:20:54 GMT

So after a week without my laptop, I finally have it back. Now I have a rough intro to my eight page paper that is due tomorrow. Jane Austen... *le sigh* I just found out my final paper for my philosophy class has to be eight pages (Don't give me that sass. He just gave us the assignment today.). That means going to the professor AND the Writing Center to bring up my grade (hopefully). Apparently, I like watching myself suffer because I am working on this entry rather than working on my paper. My cough makes me sound like I have bronchitis (still refusing to go to the Health Center). Hmm more exciting news... Friend in the ER AGAIN. Sean and I brought her food. I have clean, warm sheets on my bed. My mom sent me a letter with pictures of my uncle, cousin, cats, and puppy... along with information on my summer courses. I was listening to it rain outside... think it stopped. Instead, it's cars and the train. I found out Eli and his wife Tina are going to try and stay together (no divorce) for the baby's sake. Seiphre is due in a week or so. Hopefully, things work out for them.

Goals for the summer:
- Lose some of this extra weight
- Pass my summer courses to get those gen eds out of the way
- Try for motorcycle lessons (still have my heart set on it)

Courses for next semester:
TR 11:00a-12:15p ENG 315: 19th Century British Lit: Romantic Poets
T 2:00-4:30p ENG 367: Creative Writing Workshop: Fiction
R 2:00-4:30p ENG 455: Origins of the Novel
W 2:00-4:30p ENG 467: Advanced Creative Writing
MW 12:30-1:45p PSY 326 Physiological Psychology Lab
TR 8:00-9:15a PSY 326 Physiological Psychology Class
Total Credit Hours: 22

Yes, that's right. I have THREE classes that meet one day a week for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. I am taking TWO 400+ level courses and THREE 300+ level courses. This is going to be interesting... Almost as interesting as this semester... I think I hate my life...

Formal in Clearwater this weekend. Yay beach!

Guess What Today Is

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 10:11:45 GMT

Happy Fox Day, everyone!

An Update in the Life of Chelle

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 06:09:12 GMT

1. My computer is finally breaking to bits. Another three parts out of the OTHER hinge, so if I'm not careful, the top separates from the bottom. Josh said I could bring it in tomorrow (technically today), and he won't make fun of me on how I managed to pull this laptop injury on the condition I bribe with candy. Works for me.

2. Sean and I had a rough weekend. Some small problems turned into one big one since we didn't talk about it. It's probably why I didn't get much work done. Things are better though. Cheesecake helps heal.

3. Unfortunately, my stress and coughing has irritated my chest problem, causing more or less daily pain. Blah, going to the doctor's seems pointless, so it's basically just the matter of sucking it up.

4. I want another piercing and tattoo. At the moment, I have more ideas for a tattoo to add around the two I have on my left shoulder. For that one though, I would really like a friend to design it for me. It would mean a lot.

5. WHEN THE FUCK IS FOX DAY ALREADY?!?!?

6. Still have not registered for summer courses, or the course I really really want to take. I would kill to get my motorcycle license this summer. I may have to settle with taking gen eds though. There goes that New Year's resolution.

7. Random stress about people not getting shit done and then having to pick up the slack. Is it summer yet?

Stolen from Carene even though I should be working on a paper...

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 13:40:26 GMT

A - Available: No
A - Age: 20
A - Annoyance: hypocrisy

B - Best Friend: Dario, Carene, Oral, Chris and Kelly
B - Bar: ...
B - Birthday: March 5

C - Crush: Rather not answer that right now... I'm questioning things, and that is one of them.
C - Car: 2000 Honda Accord
C - Cat: Tama and Scoot

D - Dead: Roses (*shrugs*)
D - Dad's name: Michael
D - Dog: Jack

E - Easiest person to talk to: Dario and surprisingly my mom
E - Eggs: Scrambled with lots of cheese, bacon, and ketchup
E - Email: Hotmail, yahoo, and school

F - Favorite color: Blue (all shades and hues), black, silver, dark red, and purple
F - Food: Basically any fruit, salads, cheese pref. white extra sharp cheddar
F - Foreign Slang: No worries.

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Either or. They are both fun to play with.
G - God: I believe in some kind of Creator
G - Good Times: Good friends, random events, wonderful memories

H - Hair Color: Black/dark brown depending how you look at it
H - Height: 5'2.25" aka 5'3"
H - Happy: More or less...

I - Ice Cream: (Eww grapenut, Carene???) Strawberry, black raspberry, or peppermint stick
I - Instrument: Flute
I - Idol: Mom

J - Jewelry: 12 piercings, 2 bracelets, 2 rings
J - Job: Working for my dad, I guess
J - Joke: About?

K - Kids: One day... 2 or 3
K - Karate: A long time ago
K - Kung fu: Movies

L - Longest Car Ride: Orlando to Panana City Beach, FL
L - Longest Plane Trip: Hartford, CT to Sydney, Australia (Okay, we had stop overs, but we were still in airports getting ready for another flight)
L - Last Kiss: Sean

M - Milk Flavor: Chocolate
M - Mothers Name: Dianne
M - Movie Last Watched: I have no idea...

N - Number of Siblings: 1
N - Northern or Southern: Northern
N - Name: Michelle

O - One Wish: (I agree) More wishes
O - One Phobia: Being unwanted/alone/unloved/unneeded
O - Other Pop: Music? Soda? Huh?

P - Parents, are they married or divorced: Married, 24 years this June
P - Part of your body you like the best: ...
P - Part of your Personality you like best: Empathetic, even though it drives me crazy

Q - Quote: It's long and in my facebook and myspace accounts

R - Reason to smile: Amusing parts of life
R - Reality TV Show: Project Runway because of Craig
R - Right or Left: Right

S - Song Last Heard: "Cold" Crossfade
S - Season: Autumn in New England
S - Sex: Virgin

T - Time you woke up: 8:32 am (Amazing since I don't have classes today)
T - Time it is now: 9:34 am
T - Time for bed: Whenever I get sleepy, which varies day to day

U - Unusual habit: Wandering the house/room when on the phone
U - Unfortunately: Life can suck

V - Vegetable you hate: *think think* Mushrooms I dislike but will tolerate
V- Vegetable you love: Potato!
V - View on Politics: They suck ass

W - Worst Habits: Procrastinating, getting too emotionally involved in things when I really shouldn't
W - Wacky: Who says that anymore?
W - Weight: Aiming for 15-20 lbs. less
X - X-tra special someone: Soulmates

Y - Year you were born: 1986
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: Flowers... daffodils?

Don't die before I do...

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 05:42:51 GMT

My ex boyfriend from a few years back IMed me saying I should take a look at some lyrics...

The night opens her lap
The child's name is loneliness
It is cold and motionless
I cry softly into time
I don't know what your name is
But I know that you exist
I know that sometime
someone will love me

He comes to me every night
No words are left to say
With his hands around my neck
I close my eyes and pass away

I don't know who he is
In my dreams he does exist
His passion is a kiss
And I can not resist

I wait here
Don't die before I do
I wait here
Don't die before I do

I don't know who you are
I know that you exist
Don't die
Sometimes love seems so far
I wait here
Your love I can't dismiss
I wait here

All the houses are covered in snow
And candle light in the windows
They lie there together
And I
I only wait for you

I wait here
Don't die before I do
I wait here
Don't die before I do

I don't know who you are
I know that you exist
Don't die
Sometimes love seems so far
I wait here
Your love I can't dismiss

Don't die before I do

"Don't die before I do" - Rammstein

He knows me too well. Just more shit to think about... We talked about it so many times, and he's one of the few people that listens without judging me about my strange assortment of feelings. Maybe because he is stranger than I am.

Will You Understand?

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 03:14:19 GMT

I'm crying again. Sometimes I think it's for stupid reasons, but I know deep down in my heart that it's not that stupid. That I get upset for valid reasons, that I believe in things passionately. It's not that stupid. Back home, there was a fox in our yard, and it was acting weird. My mom called the police and animal services. They came and said it possibly had rabies. They had to shoot it... in our yard. My brother threw a fit and started swearing at the sheriff. I can understand where he's coming from. My brother, that is. We used to throw fits when we found injured birds and brought them to the vet or pet store. We tried to save the animals our cats brought back alive. I know to some people it sounds really stupid, but to us... We grew up respecting and loving animals. Even to put one out of its misery, I can't think of it dying in our yard. Watching it die. My mother couldn't understand why he was so upset. I don't know if Sean did when I called him sobbing. I guess it's hard to understand if you don't love animals... Sometimes you just defy logic to believe.

I think I need a hug...

Procrastinating on Starting my Day

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 17:08:31 GMT

Two nights ago, I dreamed of him again... You know because I not so occasionally think of him during the day; now I think of him at night, too. Lovely. Wonderful. So good to know that my fantasies are fulfilled when I sleep. It's fucking torture. Things happen in those dreams that I wish would happen. Blah.

I just feel... I don't even know. I wish I could say, but I can't. I should be happy. I have a great boyfriend (2 month anniversary coming up), starting to feel a bit better healthwise, getting through the semester... If only the dreams would go away... (I don't know if I want them to)... I wish the school work would go away... (that I know I want it to)... selectively indecisive rocks.

*yawn* I wish I could feel like myself again.

Back in the US

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 02:06:41 GMT

Curled up against my pillows in my bed that is not just a fuggin' twin like in the hotel. Don't get me wrong. The trip was fun. Loads of fun. I got to see a lot (maybe more than I would have liked thanks to that comedy show... long story), meet new people (in and out of the group), made new friends, bounced my checking account... Yeah... I would love to show you guys pictures, but I have around 290 of them.

So the trip included the usual drama that you get with having the same 20 people somewhat together for 10 days, and that in itself was draining.

I am currently swearing off alcohol. After this trip, my body can't take it. Between the alcohol, late nights, polluted tube air, I feel like crap. I jsut can't do it. Maybe 20 means I am getting too old for this. So that is more or less my formal announcement. No more alcohol for MIchelle. Even looking at pictures of it was making me sick. That's when you know you have it bad.

Also, the trip made me reevaluate my relationship once again. Not in a bad way, but it made me think of more things. Some old stuff (and someone) I probably shouldn't be thinking about. Coping with long distance. What I need right now. What I would like. How other people dealt with the separation (a lot of girls on the trip had boyfriends). Don't get me wrong, I care about Sean a lot, but when you are both in different countries you can't help but think. I said think, not act. It's going to be an interesting next few months as he gets ready to graduate. There's... there's just a lot to think about.

On a happier note, going to London has really driven my passion of the arts. I love the museums, the theatres and plays, the music... just everything. When people can express themselves so wholeheartedly in a piece, it's amazing. Breathtaking. I really wish that I could express what I mean. Without sounding cliche, makes you feel alive. That's why I find such a deeper attraction to artists... yeah, I'm weird... strange... whatever. I came to terms with that long ago.